this is what I had for dinner last night

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That’s right. A PB&J and 50 shades of not giving a shit.

But it’s the latter part that I’m trying to change. I, like everyone else, have an aspirational self (note: this is very different from the actual self). She is morally sound, organized, crafty and motivated. She doesn’t sleep til noon. She cares not only about how she presents herself to the world, but also about how she treats her body.

Cooking is caring. And I’m not talking about Honey Boo Boo’s interpretation of what constitutes a good meal. I’m talking about the health-conscious aspirational chef. The going-on-ten-years vegetarian who actually remembers why she stopped eating meat in the first place.

My history with cooking is a rocky one. Years ago during another short-lived culinary kick, I prepared two dishes that stand out in my mind: one, a simple pot of pasta with vegetables. My dad was on a low-carb diet and wanted something light but satisfying, so I used whole grain pasta and planned to use the sauce sparingly.

At the time I didn’t fully grasp the definition of a roux (pronounced: roo). A roux is typically used to thicken sauces and is made with equal amounts of butter (or any other fat) and flour—about 3 tablespoons each. You cook the flour and butter for a few minutes, or until you eliminate the raw taste of the flour. Then, voila, you can add it to your sauce of choice.

Patience is one of many virtues that my actual self lacks. Roux takes a bit of time to thicken. So, I thought, I’ll just keep adding flour. Two cups of flour. And a full stick of butter.

I reluctantly served the dish, which had the consistency of wet cement. I don’t think my dad finished a bowl (and that’s saying something).

The second catastrophe was something called a lentil loaf. Like meatloaf, but without the meat. And…crustier.

No one in my family managed to take more than a bite.

Needless to say my self-esteem has suffered at the incompetent hands of my Helen Keller-esque inner chef (oh, I should mention: I might get a little offensive at times? Maybe I will aspire to be PC someday…~~*~JKLOLz**~**~)

So here goes. Get ready, y’all.

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