the internet is full of lies

This is what I had intended to bake last night, via the blog Pastry Affair:

click the image for source blog

And here’s what I actually pulled out of my piece-of-shit oven:


What the fuck.

Why, God? Why?

I even refrigerated the dough for a good twenty minutes to avoid those spread-out, crispy edges—to no avail, of course.

I used pre-made chocolate chunks instead of crumbling up my own chocolate, like the pretentious recipe recommends. I also don’t have one of those fancy honey serving sticks because I’m not an asshat, so I had to resort to spooning out honey like a pauper and clumsily dripping it all over my counter top.

But really, I did everything else exactly as it appeared in the recipe. Except I had to hand mix the dough, which was a bitch because it’s super thick, but I don’t think that an electric mixer would have made that much of a difference. Right? Right.


So, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Internet is simply another space that fosters either

A) an elevated sense of self (i.e. when 14-year-olds take selfies and discern a false correlation between their self-worth and the amount of “likes” they receive), or
B) feelings of hopeless, I’ll-never-be-as-perfect-as-these-other-people self-pity.

I reluctantly belong to camp B.

Those of us who tend towards this frame of mind need to remind ourselves, daily, that the world of digital media is an illusory, amorphous, mirage-like place where the only thing worth doing is watching cat videos. Or, you know, reading this blog.

Furthermore, like Anna Quindlen (I recently saw her present at the Landings Club in town—I was one of four 20-somethings in a sea of 60-year-old white ladies) writes in “Being Perfect,” it is absolutely exhausting to try to be “perfect,” or seem perfect, and it is a hopeless endeavor that only leads you farther away from your true self.

To return to the recipe, if you have an oven that isn’t make-believe, I think these cookies are worth giving a shot. Though they are rather sweet, and sticky.


I began by preheating my imaginary oven to 350 degrees, but who the fuck knows what the actual temperature was.

Here’s what you’ll need:

• 1 stick butter
• 1 c packed dark brown sugar
• 1 “large” egg (so, I just had, like, a regular egg)
• 3 tbsp. honey (I used organic acacia honey from Savannah Bee Co.)
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 1 c all-purpose flour
• 3/4 c, um, whole wheat flour, which I didn’t feel like purchasing, so I just added more all-purpose flour
• 1/2 tsp. baking powder
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. salt (maybe a bit more)
• 6 oz. chocolate, “roughly chopped,” if you’re a goddamn pastry chef and are too good to buy packaged chocolate chips

Beat together the butter and brown sugar. I had to mix these like a motherfucker to get them semi-fluffy. Then add in the egg, honey, and vanilla. Stir in all the dry ingredients, and then fold in your chocolate.

Refrigerate the dough for at least twenty minutes, not that that made any difference for me. Bake tablespoon-sized dough balls for 8-10 minutes, or you can do what I did and take them out when the middles are raw but the edges are burned.

Allow them to cool, and enjoy!

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