the best breakfast ever

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Something I must add that I forgot to mention in my previous post: remember those cookies I made that were already a little questionable? Well, I brought a bag of them to my cousin as a thank-you for letting me and the girlfriend stay with her in Hilton Head during her vaca. I set down my bags outside and backed my car out of the garage (which, let me add, is just big enough for my little Honda, as evidenced by scratches along one side and an increasingly more mangled side mirror), and, of course, ran over the bag of cookies.

Like, backed over it. Like, they all turned into one giant sheet of cookie.

I brought them anyway. “I made you these, I mean, this cookie…sorry that you read my blog post and know that I used margarine instead of butter. And sorry, also, that I might have literally run over them with my car. Lololol.”

Sometimes, I suck.

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But other times, I don’t suck. Like when I’m throwing together some fabulously easy and delicious breakfast burritos.

All you need to do for these is scramble some eggs in one skillet while you keep tortillas warm in another. If your tortillas are especially hard, I’ve learned that wrapping them in a wet paper towel and microwaving them for 10-15 seconds really helps them become pliable. You can also do that with cats.

I mean, just kidding (Cat was at that moment knocking books off of my table, so this turned into a stream of consciousness).

Melt some cheese in your tortilla. Add in the eggs when they’ve had time to cook, then a big ol’ heap of black beans, then some slices of avocado, salsa, sour cream, whatever the hell you want. That’s part of the beauty of burritos: you just wrap a bunch of delicious shit together and let the deliciousness multiply as it all mingles.

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i need to get my sh*t together

So, today was about as fun as accidentally pooping your pants on a water slide. Meaning, no fun at all (unless you’re into that kind of thing, in which case….stop reading my blog).

It’s partly my fault. OK, so it is my fault. I drank way too much white wine last night, which I don’t even like to drink, and woke up feeling like the room was spinning and someone had dropped a cinder block on my head. I threw up a few times and remained immobile until I fell asleep and woke up—not refreshed, but no longer feeling like I was in the seventh circle of Hell.

Of course, this happens to everyone. This, and difficult phone conversations with people we love very much. Which also happened. I just wanted to see if I could manage to vomit, have diarrhea, and cry all within 12 hours.

Everything’s OK, really.

Around 6ish, when most people are having dinner and winding down from a productive day, I made coffee and decided to go for a run. My aspirational self thought this would make me feel better, but then reality kicked in, as it usually does. I quickly walked home after running approximately 2 feet, so as not to vomit for the 18th time.

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On a lighter, more relevant note, I made mojitos for the first time last weekend and will provide a recipe so that you, too, can cope with alcohol beat the summer heat with a nice, refreshing cocktail. I also made delicious breakfast burritos with eggs, cheese, black beans, fresh avocado, salsa, and sour cream.

Today I had leftover pizza with ranch, which is why these recipes are a week old.

For the mojito, you will need:

• Fresh limes, about one lime per drink
• Simple syrup, which is simple to make
• Fresh mint leaves (which I am growing! Though they seem to be suffering from some kind of blight…)
• Ice
• White rum
• Soda water
• Straws
• A beach to drink them on, or near

Make a simple syrup with two parts sugar, one part water over medium heat. The sugar will dissolve as the mixture thickens. Add some mint leaves for extra flavor.

Muddle 4-5 mint leaves in the bottom of a glass. Muddling just means smashing the shit out of something. I used the end of a wooden spatula, as I did not have a muddler at the time. Squeeze in like half a lime, or a whole lime. Add simple syrup to taste. Add in the ice, equal parts rum and club soda, and some more mint leaves. And enjoy! (Responsibly.)

cookies that under normal circumstances would be delicious

I’ve made these cookies twice before. They’re my girlfriend’s favorite and are generally quite the crowd-pleaser (why is my computer underlining that word? It’s totally a word!). We found the recipe on a former classmate’s adorable blog, which is basically the antithesis of my own and quite lovely.

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The key is adding browned butter and toasted coconut. The butter adds a nice, rich flavor, while the coconut adds flavor and texture.

I made a full batch today that I plan to share, even though they turned out a little…questionable.

The reason for this might be the fact that I was missing one of the key ingredients: butter.

But I did have some butter substitute. So I scooped it out of its jar and into a heated pan to “brown.” It turned bright yellow and almost immediately started to boil, splattering big, oily drops of faux-butter all over the stove top.

I, uh, took it off the heat. But ideally, if you have butter, you want to brown a cup of it for a while, until it turns caramel-colored (but not until it separates and looks all weird).

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Here’s what you’ll need:

• An oven preheated at 350 degrees
• I c butter (not butter substitute………)
• 3/4 c brown sugar
• 1 c white sugar
• 1/4 c milk
• 1 egg
• 1 egg yolk
• 1 tbsp. vanilla
• 2 1/2 c all-purpose flour
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 3/4 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 c toasted, unsweetened coconut (mine was sweetened…oops)
• 1 c dark chocolate chips (I like the Ghirardelli semisweet chips, but this time I used some generic ones I found at CVS…I might be in money-saving mode)

Mix the sugars in with the browned butter, or, in my case, with the weird melted fake butter. Toast the coconut, gently and without burning. Set it aside. Add the milk and vanilla in with the butter and sugar, along with the egg and egg yolk.

In a separate bowl, mix together the flour, baking soda, and salt. Or, you can do what I did and mix everything together at once, because sometimes giving a fuck just takes too much effort.

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Chill the dough, basically forever. Because it is the stickiest dough your hands will ever come in contact with. I don’t remember it being this sticky before. Again, I blame margarine. After you chill the shit out of the dough, form it into balls on a cookie sheet and bake for 10-12 minutes. Mine actually came out looking decent, but they’re so…light. And cakey. And they fall apart in my hand. They’re much more bland than I remember.

So, when in doubt, use butter!

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takeout might have been a better call

I love Thai food. My favorite Thai place in town is Ruan Thai—I think I could eat my weight in their Pad See Ew or vegetable curry dishes. The curry is especially satisfying because it is so aromatic.

My aspirational self wants to cook and create all the lovely things found on Pinterest. But any pinner knows that those DIY projects and recipes are often too good to be true (hence why blogs like this exist). A few days ago, though, I spotted a curry noodle dish that looked pretty amazing, and super easy. So, I gave it a shot.

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The result? Pretty lackluster. It smelled way better than it tasted (isn’t that usually the opposite?) So if you want your apartment to smell like curry, well, just heat up some oil and mix in some curry paste, and voila. Just don’t bother continuing with the other steps unless you revel in disappointment. You masochist.

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I made a few changes to the original recipe based on what I had on hand, meaning, I added broccoli and a green bell pepper (I also much prefer green bell peppers to red bell peppers, which is what the recipe called for). Additionally, I had green curry (there were probably more options in the Kroger, but I wanted to move quickly as an older man who was mumbling to himself kept inching closer and closer to me), so my ingredients matched the color scheme. It’s always nice to have a monochromatic meal, right?

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I also did not use chicken broth and instead dissolved one of those mystifying vegetable bouillons in hot water. That probably also detracted from the flavor. Before serving the curry over my microwaveable noodles, I added a good helping of salt because A) I already feel bloated being on my period, but I thought I could kick up the bloated feeling a couple notches and B) it would have otherwise tasted like milky water.

The recipe calls for rice noodles, which you submerge in boiling water to cook. Those would probably taste a lot better in this dish than what I opted for: a cheap block of microwaveable stir fry noodles. Hey, don’t judge. After microwaving, they came out in a nice block shape, much like my mom’s can-shaped cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving.

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For the curry, heat up some oil in a pan and then add in about, oh, maybe like…1/2 a cup of curry paste? Let this hang out for a while, and enjoy the delicious scent, because that’s maybe the high point of this experience.

Add a cup of water and a cup of the broth of your choice to the curry. Let this hang out, too. Then add your veggies and a can of coconut milk.

The recipe calls for 1/4 cup soy sauce, which, oops, I didn’t have. So I skipped this step. But I would highly recommend adding something with flavor and a high sodium content.

After all the ingredients have spent enough quality time together, pour the mixture over your noodles, or rice, or whatever you have. Then, try not to fall asleep over the bowl as you eat and wonder why you spent the time cooking Thai food when there’s a marvelous Thai restaurant just down the street.