all hail the cookie queen


…er, not really. But these did turn out pretty f*cking boss, if I do say so myself. Despite a few minor mishaps.

I found the recipe on this blog and followed it almost exactly. I wanted to make chocolate chip cookies that had a little something extra, like the sea salt and toffee found in this recipe.

I got the chocolate chips and Heath bar bits down, but I have no clue what the difference is between sea salt and Kosher salt, except that one comes from the ocean and the other sounds Jewish. So I ended up using Kosher, since that’s all my parents have at their house (I’m home for a few days).


The recipe also recommends using a standing mixer, which my parents do own, thankfully, except I literally had to retrieve it from, like, a 17th century trunk in the adjoining den. Carrying it to the kitchen was a feat, as the machine weighs about 94 lbs.

Here’s what you’ll need for salted toffee choc chip cookies:

• 1 c unsalted butter (that’s two sticks), room temp.
• 1 1/3 c light brown sugar
• 1/2 c white sugar
• 2 eggs
• 2 tsp. vanilla
• 3 c whole wheat flour (I used my parents’ “Enriched Whole Wheat White Flour Product,” which sounds like a load of bullshit, but it seemed to work OK)
• 1/2 tsp. baking soda
• 12 oz. choc chips
• 8 oz. toffee bits

Attach a paddle…attachment…to the standing mixer and blend the sugar and butter together until fluffy. Then beat in the eggs and vanilla (I always pronounce it “vanira” in my head, like an Asian stereotype…I promise I’m not racist, my brain just works in a way that might seem racist…I’m stopping now).

Add in the flour and baking soda, slow as fuck. Like, maybe a spoonful at a time. I poured all of the dry stuff in and watched, mesmerized, as white clouds poured out of the mixer and drifted around the kitchen, coating every surface in a fine film of flour. Mix in the toffee bits and chocolate, not by hand. Unless you’re super strong, which I am not.


Scoop 1 tbsp.-sized pieces onto a baking sheet with either parchment paper or a shitload of oil. I am hesitant to use parchment paper ever since I confused it with wax paper and filled my kitchen with stinky smoke. Top each cookie with a healthy pinch of salt and bake at 325 degrees for about 20 minutes.


Boom! I nailed this one. Except for one tiny, inconsequential thing…some of the wrapper from the sticks of butter ended up in the dough. I pulled out a few scraps before baking, but there might be more lurking. I’ll just tell people it’s good luck if they find a piece of paper in their bite, kind of like a fortune cookie.


If fortune cookies had blank, waxy fortunes.

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